If you haven’t ever checked out the BBC ‘Clockwatch’ live updates, I really recommend you do.  If you think I tend to wander off the point, check out these edited highlights of Saturday’s Manchester derby.  There was really some mention of football, but believe me, not that much.  Did a fine job of convincing all those non-subscribers to Sky not to bother:

1436: FULL-TIME Manchester City 0-1 Manchester United
Thank goodness that’s all over.

1426: Ryan Giggs grapples with Darius Vassell and is booked. After that flurry of excitement it is back to the same old script of scrappy football.

1410: Has Sir Alex Ferguson been hitting a bottle of hair dye? He seems to have more of a brownish hue to his bonce than in the past. Grey down the sides, but darker on top.

1403: Perhaps City actually want this scoring record. Imagine being a season ticket holder. Just 10 goals all season. That’s a goal every 162 minutes on average.

·  You can watch this dross on Match of the Day tonight. Best go and make the tea after catching the Michael Ball stamp and the penalty so you can get back on the sofa in time for the start of the next match in the running order.

1359: Alan Green’s on good form this morning, ranting at a spectator who has invaded the pitch. Now he can’t believe people are laughing at the “clot”.

1357: More from Alan Green who is comparing this rubbish to ‘Strictly Dancing on Ice’ – although he still prefers these “10 woeful minutes”… just.

1354: Derby matches are supposed to be passionate affairs but this match really is poor, or “drab” in Chris Waddle’s verdict. You can measure the lack of action by the fact Five Live commentator Alan Green’s wittering on about the number of throw-ins and how disgraceful that second-minute Michael Ball stamp was.

1319: GOAL Manchester City 0-1 Manchester United
Delight for United fans and Cristiano Ronaldo.

1312: The pitch looks good, and so does Stuart Pearce. The City boss has discarded the tracksuit in favour of a pastel blue shirt, smart tie and well-pressed trousers.

1304: The pitch is the best thing about this game so far.

1247: The pitch is mesmerising. It looks like a cross between Lord’s and the green baize on show at the Crucible. It is in a nice chequered pattern as well. Top work from the groundsmen.

Thanks to the bbc for that one.  Check it out one week.